you better take care of me lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands

what? no. we can't stop here. this is bat country…

we were somewhere around hutto when the sugar began to take hold…

I remember saying something like.

‘I feel a bit light headed… maybe you should drive’

suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and on the road was what looked like huge hippos, all running and ramming around the suv and a voice was screaming.

‘holy jebus what are these god damn animals?’

I swung wildly at the beasts…

sticky squealed loudly.

‘eeeeeeee.’

I responded coyly.

‘nothing, it’s your turn to drive…’

no point mentioning the hippos I thought, the poor bastard will see them soon enough.

I crossed cautiously to the trunk, swinging my hands to shoo the hippos.

we had two bags of cookies, seventy-five jelly bellies, five sheets of high-powered candy buttons, a saltshaker half-full of splenda, and a whole galaxy of truffles, milk duds, suckers, and laffy taffy… also a quart of lemonade, a quart of coke, a case of dr pepper, a pint of raw honey, and two dozen pixie sticks.

not that we needed all that for this trip, but once get into a serious candy collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.

the only thing that really worried me was the honey.

there is nothing in the world more hopeless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of a honey binger, and I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

sticky started squealing at the wheel again.

‘eeeeeee ah ah ah, yap, eeeeee.’

I responded again.

‘one toke you young fool, wait ‘til you see those hippos…’

then we saw gnut one the road side, spiderman bag in hand.

sticky looked over and slowed the suv.

‘eeeeee’

I reacted quickly the sugar still racing.

‘no, you can’t stop here… this is hippo country…’

it was too late, sticky had stopped the suv and was fighting the auto-lock.

I gave him the look that meant nothing and let go.

‘where’s mommies car?’

gnut spoke opening the door.

sticky and I snapped our heads back.

‘at home, well I guess we better go…’

‘eeeeee, eeee, yeah yeah yeah, yup.’

I turned to sticky.

‘no more of that talk or it’s back in the car seat, understand.’

I turned back to gnut.

‘get in.’

in memory of Hunter S. Thompson’s ungracious departure I have gonzoed my first entry for tonight. you might notice this is a take off of the first scene of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. a highly under rated movie.

one of us

this morning while a skimmed through the front page of msnbc.com I fell upon what would turn out to be the medical oddities section. it was labeled children’s health, but I wasn’t buying it
the thing with two heads
most of the people I showed this article to were convinced that the picture was fake, and it might have been, I’m taking no sides, but the article stated that the second head could smile and blink. now the fascist majority of this country thinks it’s a sin to kill something that can’t breath or think. but something that can actually control it’s mouth and eyes is a parasite.
mermaid girl
this one turned out to be more common to the people I work with, so she makes the list because barnum would have rolled over in his crate if I hadn’t. she is apparently headed to a full recovery once they stretch her leg skin out a bit more.
romanian twins
identical twins born two months apart. must be chernobyl fall-out.
thumbelina
worlds smallest child, smaller than the dr pepper can I’m holding. born, as if you could tell, 16 weeks early and fighting toward a full recovery.
fezzik
now on the other end of the caesarean spectrum, the worlds largest child, and this ain’t a tabloid picture. diabetes rears it’s ugly head once again. when will bush declare war on diabetes and save the world from the blight of massive babies. when god, when.
victor/victoria
it’s about time they moved away from the automatic snip. and started to recognize that sex and gender are not determined at birth, but when the individual makes that choice later in life.

it’s the end of the world as we know… and I feel like shit…

I remember seeing uncut loony toons when I was a young child, then tipper came in and cut all the good parts out and made it ‘safe’ for children.

now the wb wants an edgier toon. why don’t they repair the damage to the old stuff and leave bugs alone.

and why the hell is bugs yellow?

hudson hawk still not taken seriously

I never read the Da Vinci Code, nor do I wish to, but I remember reading somewhere that is was FICTION, as in fake, made up, not real, the tripped light fantastic, santa and the male-friendly lesbian.

they haven’t put this much scrutiny to the bible.

don’t these people have jobs.

Hudson Hawk didn’t get this kind of flap, and it was about da vinci.

what’s the deal?

podunk’s rebuttal

for longer than I could walk my older sister has been called podunk, or podunky. it has always been what she was called, so when I needed to refer to her in this blog I thought nothing of using her nick-name.

well to my surprise, she does not like the nick-name podunk. normally I wouldn’t care but she is threatening legal action, and the courts in this country still claim to take libel serious.

so I will no longer refer to podunk as podunk. I’m not sure just yet what nick-name I will use to refer to podunk, but I will find something.

rest assured.